I Did That
by ravenclawmeg
Summary: Set in Harry's fifth year. Harry's thinking about the end of the previous year. Kind of depressing but it ends happy. Please note this is NOT a suicide fic (I noticed the summary kind of implies that, sorry). I don't kill JKR's characters.


DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters in this story, they all belong to JK Rowling and I am making no money off of this.  
  
SPOILERS: Goblet of Fire, Prisoner of Azkaban  
  
  
  
The sun had barely reached the tips of the surrounding mountain ranges, but it gave very little light as the murky gray clouds cast a dark shadow over every single blade of grass on the grounds. Fierce rain as was rarely seen anywhere pelted down upon the castle in torrents so thick one need only step outside for a moment in order to appear as wet as one exiting the lake after a long swim. Thunder and lightning would occasionally pop up over the storm, frightening the already easily-startled students and teachers inside the castle.  
  
People were very jumpy these days.  
  
The wind was enough to throw everyone up to third year off his or her course. Even many fourth years and the occasional short and skinny fifth year would have had a difficult time walking straight. And if that wasn't enough, the temperature rivaled that of Christmas; the few who dared venture outside did so heavily layered, clutching their cloaks to their chests as they hurried to their destinations before their toes froze.  
  
Except one.  
  
No sun decided to peek through the clouds for a certain raven-haired, bespectacled boy who sprinted out the front doors as though being chased by a mad ax-man . But he didn't notice the cold. He didn't notice the rain. He didn't notice the way it covered his lenses and blurred his vision to almost complete blindness.  
  
He didn't care.  
  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's all my fault. my fault. *  
  
Maybe if he ran fast enough he could leave behind the pain. Maybe if he ran far enough he could leave behind the memories. Shadows that continued to haunt him despite anything he did.  
  
*I'm sorry, Cedric. It's all my fault. I deserve this. I'm sorry. *  
  
His toe caught on a rock and he tripped. Or maybe he slipped on the wet grass. Or maybe it all became too much to take and he collapsed. He just knew that he fell. He tumbled forward down the hill and came to rest in the cold mud.  
  
Harry lay there for a moment, coughing and sputtering and giving dry sobs to anyone who would hear him. But no one heard. No one cared.  
  
*Let them stay with their families. Let them be happy while they can. He'll kill them all. He'll tear them all apart eventually. I did that. I deserve this. *  
  
He rolled over onto his back. Sharp pellets of rain stung at his face and cheeks. He didn't care. His robes were torn and his hands were bleeding. When he reached up to his face and touched his upper lip he wiped something away that was warmer than mud and thicker than water. He flinched at the pain. He gripped his left wrist and cried out for no one to hear. It hurt to move his fingers. He must have broken it in the fall. But he didn't care. He deserved this.  
  
*I'm sorry. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve to die. I don't deserve to be their hero. I did this. I messed it all up. I'm sorry, Cedric. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. *  
  
He saw, through the thick gray sheets of rain, the face of a strong and sturdy boy. Handsome, noble, brave.  
  
* I' m sorry, Cedric. I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. I do. It's my fault. Let me take your place. No one needs me. Let me die, Cedric. Let me take your place. *  
  
But he knew better. For fifteen long years had he survived in a world that was dark and cruel. A world that hated him. He had done nothing but mess up.  
  
He didn't deserve to die. He deserved the suffering. The pain. The nightmares. They only grew worse. He saw his parents. he heard their screams. he heard Him laughing. he saw anyone and everyone whose lives were naught but pain anymore.  
  
*I did that. *  
  
He saw the Diggorys. Their meeting would not leave his mind.  
  
*They did not blame him for what had happened; on the contrary, both thanked him for returning Cedric's body to them. Mr. Diggory sobbed through most of the interview. Mrs. Diggory's grief seemed to be beyond tears.  
  
"He suffered very little then," she said, when Harry had told her how Cedric had died. "And after all, Amos. he died just when he'd won the tournament. He must have been happy." *  
  
He deserved to be happy. Harry didn't. Cedric deserved to be alive.  
  
*I did that. *  
  
Harry got up and staggered aimlessly except away from the castle. He needed to leave it behind. The pain he'd seen, the fear on everyone's face. The deaths that were to come.  
  
*I did that. *  
  
He saw Voldemort, risen again.  
  
*"You see how foolish it was to suppose that this boy could ever have been stronger than me," said Voldemort. "But I want there to be no mistake in anybody's mind. Harry Potter escaped by lucky chance. And I am now going to prove my power by killing him, here and now, in front of you all, when there is no Dumbeldore to help him, and no mother to die for him." *  
  
He saw his mother's face. Heard her screams. She died protecting him.  
  
*I'm sorry, mum. I'm sorry, dad. I've failed you. You shouldn't have wasted that on me. I don't deserve to be the Boy Who Lived. I deserve the pain. I've done nothing right. I'm sorry. *  
  
He had not yet approached the forbidden forest. Then he must be near the lake. Yes, if he listened closely he could hear over the roaring storm the sound of rain on water.  
  
Maybe if he kept going he'd fall in. Maybe he'd drown. Or maybe the giant squid would get him. Eat him. Make it quick. Free him from the pain.  
  
He had run from Hogwarts trying to flee a mad ax-man who if he thought about it he could never leave behind. The pain was inside of him. Axes and knives, gouging him slowly from the inside out.  
  
He could never leave the pain.  
  
He collapsed on the grass and sobbed like he never had before. He hugged his knees to his chest and buried his face in his robes, crying out hysterically for no one to hear. He ignored his broken wrist. He ignored his exterior wounds and gave them up for the internal ones that had haunted him since that terrible Halloween night so many years ago.  
  
For a long time he did not think. It felt good not to think. He just let the tears fall and mingle with the cold rainwater. He didn't think about the cold. He didn't think about the pain. He didn't think at all.  
  
Something tugged on his sleeve. He gasped and jumped.  
  
He did not get up, but spun around to see what it was.  
  
It was big. It had black, shaggy fur that waved wildly in the wind, spraying water droplets everywhere around it. It's pale eyes watched Harry's. It didn't let go of his sleeve.  
  
He'd know that dog anywhere.  
  
"H-how did you get here?" he rasped, gasping for breath and still hiccoughing.  
  
There was no answer. It tugged on his sleeve even harder, pulling him back toward the castle.  
  
"I can't go back there," said Harry in a would-be irritable tone. His eyes filled with tears again. "I can't face them now- not like this."  
  
The dog pulled on his sleeve harder than ever. Harry gasped as his arm jerked outward and a fresh stab of pain shot through his wrist. The dog let go immediately. He clutched his wrist through his chest and let the fresh wave of tears fall.  
  
Something nudged his shoulder. He looked up and came face to face with the dog he had for a long time thought predicted his death.  
  
Its pale eyes gleamed in the dark night. Harry saw something in his eyes that made his breath catch.  
  
Concern. Caring. A man's parental love for his godson.  
  
*He's. Worried. About. Me. *  
  
Harry broke down again. Not in despair this time but out of exhaustion. The dog nudged him again and without thinking Harry put his arms around it and buried his face in it's wet fur.  
  
After a while Harry looked up. He took deep, steadying breaths and rubbed his eyes under his glasses. He tried to speak but found that he was still too choked up to say anything.  
  
The dog took his sleeve in his mouth again. And slowly, much more gently this time another vision made it's way before Harry's eyes.  
  
*"How can I ever thank-"  
  
"GO!" Harry and Hermione shouted together.  
  
Black wheeled Buckbeak around, facing the open sky.  
  
"We'll see each other again," he said. "You are-truly your father's son, Harry."  
  
He squeezed Buckbeak's sides with his heels. Harry and Hermione jumped back as the enormous wings rose once more. The hippogriff took off into the air. He and his rider became smaller and smaller as Harry gazed after them. then a cloud drifted across the moon. they were gone. *  
  
Here stood a dog, a man free from a fate he did not deserve. A man who still had his freedom. and his soul.  
  
*I did that. *  
  
The corners of Harry's mouth twitched slightly. Very slowly, he stood up.  
  
Drenched, covered in mud and bleeding in a few places, he walked very slowly across the wet grass, the wind and the rain and the cold making themselves known for the first time. He had not brought his cloak with him. He shivered violently and folded his arms across his chest.  
  
But there was something comforting about the black, bear-like dog at his side. A sense of peace had washed over him. He remembered Dumbeldore and Ron and Hermione and Mrs. Weasly and he knew that he was the only one who found himself at fault.  
  
He remembered Hagrid's words: *What will come will come, and we'll meet it when it does. *  
  
He smiled despite the cold. Despite the pain. Despite the memories.  
  
The front doors burst open loudly when he reached them. Two people tumbled out. A gangly red headed boy who's face seemed extremely white, and a brown haired girl who's eyes were almost as red as Harry's were.  
  
Hermione gave a hysterical sob and threw her arms around his neck, nearly knocking him over.  
  
"Harry! Oh Harry. we couldn't find you. we thought you were. we thought he'd gotten you. we th-thought we'd lost you. Don't you ever do something so stupid again, Harry! Don't scare us like that! You could have- Harry! You're soaked! You're freezing!" She whipped off her cloak and draped it around his shoulders. She noticed him holding his wrist. "You're hurt."  
  
"Come on, Harry," said Ron in a shaky voice. "You've got to go to the hospital wing."  
  
Hermione began to lead him down the warm, the oh, so warm hallway. Ron paused for a second at the door.  
  
A big black dog watched from the bottom of the steps.  
  
Ron whispered into the night.  
  
"Thanks, Snuffles." 


End file.
